I'm desperate to see God's hand in my life. As I'm reading through the Bible, I'm amazed at the miracles recorded throughout the first books of the Old Testament alone! I love the God who delivered and rescued and forgave and restored and conquered and provided and demanded devotion. My head knows that the God of the Old Testament is the same God today. So why is it that I don't pray expectantly for deliverance, rescue, forgiveness, restoration, victory, provision, and favor? Why is it that my prayers reek of faithlessness, as though I fear being disappointed? My mighty Savior hung each star in the sky. He never blinks. He created us in His image. He desires a relationship with me. He is using His people to bring others to Him. Why do I pray feebly? And what would that look like if I didn't? Would I be disappointed if He didn't choose to heal or rescue or provide in the ways I imagined? Or would I be so amazed that His answers far surpassed my finite mind? Am I comparing my filthy rags to the cloaks of Royalty?
Speaking of comparing... I have to confess something I'm not proud of: I play the comparison game. I battle it daily! God convicts my spirit, I pray, He adjusts my focus, I move on. And the next day the battle resumes. It wears me out! It is, quite possibly, the ugliest trait I possess. It is an insidious sin too, as it robs me of my joy and peace when I'm not even looking. Maybe it's more accurate to say that I'm looking, but not where I should be. Instead of focusing on my blessings, I'm distracted by my want. Here's an example: Instead of enjoying and investing in the three girls who came to small group today, I feel bad that tables around us are overflowing and we just have three girls. See? I'm looking, but not where I should be.
My latest comparison issue has to do with missions. Yes, missions. You see, my heart is at an orphanage in Jeremie, Haiti. My heart is in a place my feet have never stepped. Someone mentions "Haiti" and I feel the tears start to well. It seems as though everyone around us is going to Haiti with the frequency that we run to Kroger. How are they funding these trips? Staff members are traveling there with their own children to turn around and visit again next month with different family members. Even in the midst of our project, our finances certainly have not allowed us to do something so extravagant as a trip of this magnitude. I'm thrilled so many are able to go and be the hands and feet of Jesus. But I want to be one of the ones to go and we haven't gotten the green light from the Lord yet.
God, get ME out of the way so that everything can be about YOU. Lord, if you want our family to go to Haiti, you know the financial end will be close to $8,000. We don't have that, God. That is nothing compared to Your infinite wealth. So, if we are supposed to go, please provide. There it is. I'm getting out of the way and praying desperately that You will reveal yourself to us. Keep my focus on You and away from the comparison game that crushes my spirit. Help us to walk in obedience to You wherever You lead. It's ALL You. Amen
