January 29: Three Reminders

Just three days ago I was reflecting (more like babbling) about my lack of focus and my desire to change that. I prayed that God would take every thought captive. This morning I opened my devotions (Jesus Calling) and the first words I read were, "Keep your focus on Me. I have gifted you with amazing freedom, including the ability to choose the focal point of your mind." First of all, wow! Secondly, ouch. I love how God works in our lives. His timing is perfect. I needed encouragement that He cares about my struggles. I also needed to be reminded of my role: I have some freedom over what I allow my mind to focus on.

The reading goes on to say that this capability is a sign of having been made in His image. That Genesis reference is one that struck me powerfully during our church service last week, and I've even used it in conversations with a friend this week. When did we forget in whose image we were created?! Another reminder in His perfect timing.

The reading goes on to share 2 Corinthians 10:5, in which we are commanded to bring every thought captive, into obedience to Christ. That is my goal for today, not this month or this year, but today. And that when (not if) my mind wanders away from Him, I need to lasso it and bring it back. It is only in Him that we find real peace. Lies are exposed in His light. Confusion melts away in the presence of His peace. So, today. I'll start with today and live as though I am in His presence. For I am! Matthew 28:20 is a promise.

Today brought to light that I'm still focusing on stuff... whether I have it, miss it, want it, need it, buy it, or pass it up. The precise point of this journey is to move away from the mind traps of material things. Instead I've let my mind linger longer than I should on things that aren't eternal. I'll still address material issues as I go through these months, but I must keep them in perspective, bringing my thoughts about them into obedience to Christ.

It's as if God and I were sharing a private moment, a sideways glance and smile when I read my devotions this morning. Three sweet reminders from my Father that He knows my heart and He cares.

January 26: Mind Clutter

So many thoughts have been rolling around in my mind lately. Wherever I am, I'm consumed with bits and pieces of scattered ideas. I find that I don't sleep as soundly as I probably should. I lose track of time I'm in the shower. The scary thing is I can drive to work and not even remember most of the ride. Many of my thoughts are racing because of this project. However, mostly I just can't seem to quiet my mind from the clutter of the things that are fighting for my attention. Being a single mom for four days reminded me of my very divided attention.

Now, before I go any further, let me acknowledge that I KNOW I'm a big ol' wimp for thinking four days of single parenthood is a challenge. But for me, it is. Kyle and I do so much in tandem that I struggle when I'm left to run the whole show alone. This week was one of those times.

Kyle left on Thursday morning, came home in the snow Thursday night, and left again Saturday morning to return this evening (Wednesday). During that time I kept ticking off the activities and events in my mind that I had to remember. (And of course this was an unusually busy week!) My mind raced with daily schedules of my appointments, meetings, and other commitments as well as those of my girls'. I constantly felt a little nauseous from fear that I was going to forget something; or worse, someONE!

I began to think about what we have set out to do: gain a focus worthy of our attention. I've done a lousy job of that this week. I got behind in my devotions too. I think there's a correlation. I felt drained. I didn't come to HIM... weary or otherwise. I just kept my brow furrowed and my eye fixed on the red-circled date on the calendar for Kyle's return. He's back now and I am breathing a little easier again. (Now if we forget someone, I can blame him.)

I need also to direct my focus intentionally and daily. Having a cluttered mind is dangerous. My thoughts might occasionally drift nearby a necessary focus, just as the monotone singer will occasionally happen to graze a correct note in a song, but there is no lingering. I wonder if God has placed this on my heart tonight as a way of encouraging me to let the clutter go. Truth be told, I'd love a break from the cerebral noise and the clanging mind clutter. Maybe tonight is my starting point, just another step closer to bringing His purpose for me into focus.

God, take captive every thought and keep my heart and my mind on you. Amen

January 19: Unsubscribe

I don't receive a lot of personal emails. Texting has taken the place of most of my email correspondence. If you had told me that would happen a year ago, I would have laughed you out the door. It's funny that one of the conveniences Kyle has set up for me is a data package on my phone. It's great, really. I can retrieve email, order a book on Amazon, and check the 10-day forecast with a few swipes of my finger.

I have noticed lately (okay in the last 19 days!) that the vast majority of my emails are from retailers. I've never really considered them "junk" since they are places and websites I've patroned. However, I've become increasingly more aware of the cycle I find myself in when I receive a commercial in my inbox. I click it. It opens. It lures me to some fabulous deal just a click away. I swipe my finger, squint to see the deal (my eyes are old and my phone is small), browse a little, close the page, delete the email, and go about my day. Typically I don't make purchases by opening my emails. Good grief... I am on so many email lists that if I purchased something even 5% of the time, I'd be broke by Tuesday! So purchases aren't really the issue. I began to calculate how much time I spend just opening and deleting merchant emails. Let's do the math...

There are (conservatively) a dozen vendors I can think of right now that send me daily deals. 10 or so more send them weekly. If I only spend a minute on each of those, I'm easily losing at least an hour and a half a week! Occasionally I'll delete one immediately, thus saving 45 seconds. But for every one that gets quickly trashed, another one lures me to browse an extra 30 seconds.

I don't know what has bothered me more this week: the fact that I didn't have any personal emails to speak of in my inbox or that I was feeling pangs of want that would remain unsatisfied. Maybe both were eating at me when I finally scrolled to the bottom of a recent advertisement and clicked on the little blue "unsubscribe" link. To the website... confirm... I'm done. 20 seconds, maybe. It felt so good I attacked the other 4 in my box. Today, 7 more. I'm almost excited to see them when I open my email because I know it will be a very satisfying farewell.

240 seconds (that's 4 minutes, Kyle ;) ) and I'm the owner of something more valuable than anything those email deals could have offered. I now have freedom from the temptation to browse, to purchase, to linger, to want. And I have an extra hour and a half on my hands this week. Maybe I'll get to take a nap!

Great Starbucks Mug for ONLY $5

Okay, this is my first post to this blog. And it's not going to be as eloquent and thoughtful as Jill's have been so far. More from me in the near future, though.

I didn't think I spent that much money on myself, but that is because much of my expenditures are business in nature, which makes sense since I'm in business for myself. But I do spend a lot of money and time (office rent, really) at Starbucks and occasionally Panera. The other day I saw these great new mugs at Starbucks, and I love the small ("Tall") one, wich is ONLY $4.95. What a deal! I could really use it, and I'd bring it to Starbucks with me and use it there since I like the feel of it better than the mugs in which they routinely serve coffee. Plus, with a ten-cent discount for bringing in my own mug, I'd pay it off someday, right? Dang it! Only $5, but it really is a want and not a need--I have plenty of mugs to bring with me when I work from Starbucks.

In the past, I wouldn't have thought twice about this--and I would have paid for it using my Starbucks card, so I really wouldn't even think THRICE about it--but not now. I need to discipline myself, actually deny myself of something that is unecessary. If they still have these come Father's day, though, it's a great gift idea, Jill. ;-)

January 17: Philippians 4:19

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."

This beautiful verse was part of my devotions this morning from Jesus Calling. I love the note in the sidebar of my Bible: "[This verse] is to be seen in its context. Such amazing generosity does not allow for foolish and frivolous spending on our part while God is considered responsible for necessities. Rather, because the Philippians had been so generous in their Christian giving, God would meet their needs as well." (From Thomas Nelson's The Woman's Study Bible, 1995.)

As I look over Philippians 4, one of my favorite chapters in the Bible, I'm struck by how timely it is! I feel God's urging to spend more time here, learning about contentment and generosity. Perhaps the crux of this experience is captured in verse 8: "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things."

God, your timing is amazing! Just as we pray for guidance to direct our focus to what is "necessary," you lay before me your blueprint for exactly that. Thank you, Lord! Please keep me focused on exactly these things, constantly trusting that you shall supply all of our needs according to Your riches in glory by Christ Jesus! Amen

January 16: $25

A birthday check arrived from my in-laws. A $25 check to purchase whatever I want. After several days I finally cashed it. Now the money sits in my wallet. Why am I struggling? I shouldn't be, really. After all, we decided that we were going to make allowances for gifts (and this would be a gift for me) and we determined that we were not going to become overly legalistic. So, why is this money so hard for me to spend?

I think it has everything to do with the fact that I don't want to misuse it. I have discovered that my wardrobe is in terrible shape. I laughed the other night when I commented to Kyle that I didn't think that through very well before making this commitment. And yet, will $25 drastically change my closet? No. I have pondered the thought of buying hand soap with the money. Yes, hand soap. I know what you are thinking... NEED. Yes, but I WANT the pink grapefruit hand soap from Bath and Body Works (kinda not a need). So, does that become my present? Another thought is to replenish tights and socks. Not a very glamorous expenditure, but those are things I'd appreciate.

I've also begun looking at things I own and wondering if they really have another year of life in them. For instance, my purse. I've been carrying the same bag for 15 months now. Most women change purses as often as I change earrings. I'm not one of those women. I bought this bag last October and thought it was really cute when I found it in the clearance tub in the booth at the technology conference I was attending. Over the last several months the inside lining has torn. The straps are beyond scuffed. Even the edges are scratched and peeling. I don't have an adequate bag in my closet that would replace this one. Do I attempt to make one? Or do I use my birthday money to purchase one? And I continue to play mental ping pong with myself, going back and forth between want and need.

Maybe my hesitancy in spending this money is because my focus really is changing. I'm becoming more intentional about where my money goes. And since my checkbook reveals where my heart is, I ought to be strategic about where my money lands.

The $25 seems pretty at home in my wallet. Maybe I'll let it live there for awhile. In fact, wouldn't it be cool if God showed me how to spend it? Here goes...

Dear God,

Thank you for the birthday check I received! I know there are others who spend days working to earn what was just given to me. I'm grateful, God. Be glorified in my spending, Lord. I'm leaving this money right where it is until YOU show me where it should go. Please don't let me miss what you have in store for that money. I ask that you make it crystal clear to me as to how I should spend those dollars. Let me not lose any sleep over it. I thank you in advance for directing my focus, Father. Keep my eyes on you and what you have in the works.

Amen

January 13: Target Trip #1

Our first visit to Target and we escaped unscathed! Deals lurked around every corner, and we were able to avoid them all! We walked through clothing, shoes, toys, books, music, and cleaning products. I'm happy to say that I left with 4 items: flour, dishwashing detergent, canola oil, and tea. Not only did we leave with only necessities, but I also found that I was less tempted than I thought I'd be. You see, we've had a week of snow days. Tonight was our first chance to get out of the house. Normally I would have been itching to buy something... anything really. But tonight was somehow different. It's as though I had lost my appetite. I'm sure it's temporary, but I'm grateful for the reprieve.

Verses I've reflected on this week have reminded me to trust God completely, relinquish my hold on things, and to spend time thanking Him for who He is (Psalm 56:3; 1 Thes. 5:18; Col. 4:2). Ever so slowly, God is shifting my focus... my necessary focus.

January 7: Answered Prayers and a Hand-Me-Down Bra

How do I tactfully tell the story of the bra and answered prayer? Quickly, I guess, avoiding awkward pauses.

I've been pondering how to keep my focus on what is necessary and praying that God will speak to my heart. Sure enough, when I opened my Jesus Calling devotional for January 5 and 6, encouragement was waiting on the pages. Scriptures that accompanied reminded me of God's sovereignty, power, and His desire to show up in a BIG way in my life. I needed the reminder and plan to come back to this topic later. But for now, the bra.

This morning as I was getting dressed, I discovered a hole in my bra. Seriously?! I have very few comfortable bras (really only one... don't judge me!) and find it nearly impossible to find one that fits. I am a strange size, have never found my actual size on a rack in any store, and absolutely refuse to pay a lot of money for one. (Stacey and Clinton would be mortified to see my unmentionables.)

I have never in my life been given a hand-me-down bra. Never asked for one. Never had an occasion to need one, I guess. After discovering the hole this morning I began the entire conversation with myself over want vs need when it comes to bras. Yes, I need to wear one, but can I make this one last? I had been thinking about how to sew it and how effective that would be in prolonging its wearability.

Now, return to the first sentence of the previous paragraph. Who gives someone a bra? Well, out of the blue I get a text from a friend stating that there are 2 coats and a bag of bras on my porch. I'm to give them to anyone who might be able to use them. She mentions that some of them may even fit my girls. Normally I wouldn't even open the bag, but after the morning I had, I couldn't help but ponder the probability of discovering a bra issue and a bag o' bras being delivered to my doorstep on the very same day. Staggering odds at best! So, I sat down and opened the bag. I then said out loud to God, "Okay, so if my size (which I've never seen on a rack) is in this bag, do I have permission to laugh out loud?"

4 bras into the bag I came across a simple little sister sling and gently unrolled the tag. Unbelievable. My size. Not close to my size (which I usually settle for) but actually, truly my size. I don't know if this was a tangible gift or, perhaps more likely, a reminder that God can do anything He wants to do and provide anything His children need. I laughed out loud and thanked God for His timing, His sense of humor, and His blessing through a hand-me-down bra.

January 5: Early Stress

Does lack of shopping make one crabby? That's my question for today. I've had a headache for 5 days running and now a hitch in my back under my shoulder blade. Normally I would attribute these things to stress. So, is my stress related to our decision? Surely I'm not going through withdrawal. As I've mentioned before, we really are not big spenders. 5 days without shopping for anything has caused me to do lots of thinking, but I can't say my life has been altered much. Therefore, should I really feel much stress from this? Or is it that I'm simply spending time thinking about it and wondering how we'll handle different things that causes me to worry? I don't know. However, I do know this: This is to bring what is necessary into focus. Have I done that? Not really. I haven't experienced great spiritual renewal or revelation by doing this so far. I'm thinking about our actions (or lack of action/i.e. spending) not my motivation. Isn't God far more concerned with the heart? I gotta ask myself where my heart is in all of this. If I'm grumpy because of my physical discomfort and my discomfort is caused by stress and the stress is caused by our "project," then I better address my spirit.

Dear God, my prayer is simply that you won't let me miss what you have for me through this. Speak to my cranky spirit, Lord, and show me how I ought to respond to stress and negative thoughts when they pop up. Lord, I'm trusting you to reveal to me strategies I can use to combat any obsession that may try to creep into my thought life. Necessary focus... That's my goal, God, to bring my heart closer to you, avoiding the clutter of material things and finding contentment in you alone. Don't let me miss your answers to my prayers. Amen

January 4: Early Struggles

Wow. So much harder than I thought it would be this early on. Clearance sales abound! Everywhere I go there are unbelievable deals. I keep thinking of things I would normally pick up to be a little ahead for next Christmas or things I would normally pick up to just to have on hand because they are such a bargain. I am embarrassed at how difficult this is... painful really. Will it get harder or easier? Time will tell. Praying for guidance and that I won't become a legalistic maniac nor that I will become an over-justifier.

Tough things so far: Christmas clearance, small accessories like tights

January 1, 2011: Day 1

The Idea: focus on only the necessary for this year. We have an excess of "stuff," yet continuously purchase more.

The Reasoning: We are not extravagant. We love bargains. We practice a debt-free lifestyle (except mortgage). We give consistently to church, ministries, and charity. But we have many questions. Some include: What if there's more? We want to surrender our lives to God, so what would total financial surrender look like and feel like? What will God reveal to us through this? What impact will this have on our family? Our marriage?

The Rules: Identify legitimate needs and purchase only those. Our list of needs: groceries, gas, monthly bills and services.

The Goal: One month at a time. We're committing to 2 months with the understanding that we'll reflect and discuss as needed. Ultimately we're hoping to extend this for a year.

My Fears: I don't think I am a big shopper, but I also know I can go to Target for toilet paper and leave with a cart full of things and $80 less! I'm wondering how I'm going to do with this! What if I fall into the justification trap and begin to label things as "needs" that just aren't? We don't plan to tell people about this, so I don't know how that will play out.

We avoided a big pitfall by avoiding shopping last week. How easy it would have been to stock up on unnecessary items! 2011 has started. We're off and running. We'll blog about our experiences, our struggles, our questions, our creative solutions, and whatever else comes to mind.